September 30th

One year ago, I was in the middle of the longest flight of my life. I still had my missionary tag on and I was suffering from the worst sinus infection I ever had. 

I had said goodbye to my missionary friends in Toulouse. 

J'ai dit au revoir au membres de Toulouse. 

I had spent a wonderful evening in the home of my mission president as he taught us about the Savior -- and how we might go home and forget how to be happy, but following the Savior will always bring us back. 

(And now I'm crying)

Then I spent several hours on a plane thinking about the entire year and a half. What I had done and seen. What I had felt. 

It was hard for me to look forward and dream of what life had in store for me. For the year and a half before that moment, I had come to know 6:30 alarms and standards of excellence. 

Revelatory personal study. 

Inviting others to come unto Christ.

Zone conferences and district meetings. 

A mandatory best friend (aka companion).

Angels bearing us up as we worked and worked and worked.

How was I supposed to know what life would be like on the other side? I had never been an RM before. I can still remember so clearly the pain of missing France and the panicked anticipation of my life to come.

Today makes exactly a year since I touched American soil again. Just a few thoughts.

First, I was really caught up in my last night with president and the rest of my missionary friends going home. I obviously had NO idea that my eventual husband was in that group. He was sitting in the mission office with me and was at the same table as me as we ate dinner. He was just a few chairs down as we sang Les Anges and cried. I have come to realize the blessing that it is to have an eternal and mandatory best friend that walked the same streets as you... speaking the same language and encountering the same difficulties. 

One of my biggest fears on the mission was marrying someone that didn't understand my mission: how much it means to me, what I felt, what I experienced. The thought of spending the rest of my life/eternity with someone that just didn't get it was petrifying. I think Heavenly Father perceived the realness of that fear and answered by putting Ryan just enough in my path that I wouldn't miss out on dating him when I got home. 

#blessings

Second, things are really really really different from before I was a missionary. I struggled to come home and not have Dreamer waiting for me. It took me pretty much the entire year and a half to figure out why I had to give up the thing that I loved the most. Not once did I regret going on a mission. I just had to figure out why. Personally, I think it took so long because at first I had a "why me" attitude and after so long of praying and not getting any answers... I decided I just wanted to know what I had to learn. 

I know Heavenly Father doesn't hate me and would never take something so special from me unless there was something important to learn. 

Then I stumbled across this quote: "The gospel is a plan of freedom that gives discipline to appetite and direction to behavior. This plan puts us on a path of increasing knowledge and capacity, increasing grace and light. It is the freedom to become what you can and ought to be. But for your freedom to be complete, you must be willing to give away all your sins, your willfulness, your cherished but unsound habits, perhaps even some good things that interfere with what God sees is essential for you."

Did that quote tell me exactly why I had to sell Dreamer to be a missionary? No. But I felt the strength of this statement in assuring me that something essential is in the works for me. In the meantime, my story inspired members and investigators and missionaries alike. It gave me a driving force when the days were hard. I would often tell myself that I did not lose my beautiful horse just to come here and give up. Maybe that was the chip on my shoulder that I needed to be the best I could be. 

Finally, I'm so happy to have lived this last year with a solid testimony. Before going to France, my testimony was somewhat solid. I don't think I could have taught the missionary lessons or held my ground against the #haters. 

During the mission, my testimony came like a sunrise (such a great talk, read here) and I can still remember those moment where the truth dawned on me. It was quiet, it was simple. The principles of the Gospel are true and I know because I wanted to know. 

President was right as he taught us! Even if we know the truth and have felt the whisperings of the Spirit, it is not difficult to fall away because of the "easiness of the way." It takes an effort, but it is worth the effort. 

The last e-mail I sent home from France still summarizes my feelings: 

"The loudest message I think I've had from my mission is that we rarely achieve what we want if we just sit around and wait for it to happen... and even if we do get up and try, we won't get very far without the Savior. They know who they want us to be and how we can get there. But it's hard for us to see. So we can try if we want... to do this alone. But we will never achieve our potential in this life without the help of our Heavenly Father. Sometimes we let pride get in the way. Sometimes we are tired. But if we can find a way to put our trust in them, things will get better. That's all there is to it. LIFE is hard, not the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that is true. 

The Savior lives. He loves us. He cannot wait to bless us, if we let Him. LET HIM."

Carson's Guide to Treating People Nicely

Disclaimer: I was thinking of this post for several different reasons. The main one is that I work in an office where we get several phone calls a day from people that lie to us, yell at us, and once they figure out that we know they are lying... they lie again. Or they hang up on us. So yeah. Please don't feel victimized -- it's not personal!

I have thought a lot about how I treat people lately. This all started because of my above disclaimer but it took me back to reflect on a lot of life events in which I was treated unkindly. People are jerks sometimes so I know that I have been a jerk to people too. I'm really sorry about that.

However, I have learned a lot these last couple months and I hope this post will be fun and informative for you. So here we go. 

CARSON'S GUIDE TO TREATING PEOPLE NICELY 

1. Remember that others have feelings too. 

I try to keep this in mind really often. People are really quick to be defensive and rude when their feelings get hurt and sometimes fail to see that they have hurt others as well. It takes some pride swallowing and a bit of an effort to step back and look at the situation objectively -- but if we become a person that attacks as soon as someone hurts our feelings (without regards to theirs) then we become someone that lacks in empathy and understanding. It's kind of a dead end at that point. 

2. Remember that others have had different life experiences than you.

So crucial. I'm a psych major. I've struggled with anxiety and depression (maybe I'm not done struggling with that). I've had some not so fun experiences in my life (but also a lot of good ones). A lot of people struggle with all sorts of things like this. On my side of things, I have witnessed a lot of insensitivity. A lot of reaching out for help and a lot of doors slammed in the face. I think many people have a "suck it up" attitude instead of a "I love you anyway" attitude and I really think that is why more and more people hide their feelings from their friends and loved ones.

My point isn't that I have had my share of hard times so feel bad for me... it's that people struggle and are looking for compassion from those around them. If someone tells you something about how they are feeling and you shut them down because you can't relate or refuse to have a little sympathy or compassion, then... I don't even know. I see this a lot. It breaks my heart. Please just stop.

Expect to see more of this later.

3. Don't say you will do something for someone and then get mad at them about it. 

Too often we feel obligated to do things for people because that is what nice people do but unless we are willing to either a) change and learn to be nice or b) learn to say no, then we are in the wrong. There is an exception if people are treating you like a doormat but if this is the case then please refer to point (b) that I made earlier. Kindly tell them no if it is better for both of you. But don't say you will help and then trash talk them or treat them unkindly. That isn't fair. 

4. Do not be rude if it isn't their fault. 

The phrase "don't shoot the messenger" comes to mind here. I am more often the victim in this situation just because, in my job, I am not the one that wrote the parking citation. I am, however, the one that takes all the yelling and swearing (yes, swearing). This is something I became very sensitive to as a missionary as well as working in a law enforcement office -- PRIDE stirs us up to anger even though that person likely isn't the one that wronged you. Control your temper. Nobody wants to help or work with someone that is rude. 

This brings me to the next really important point: 

5. Don't be rude if it IS their fault. 

This might be the most important point of this rant. I mean... guide. I spend a lot of time trying to figure certain things out but this is one I can't understand. Why do people feel justice when they yell at someone that made a mistake? Humans are human and they and their computers are not perfect. Mistakes happen. Glitches happen. Us workers in the parking office are happy to take responsibility and repair mistakes, but too often people are rude to us about it because we have greatly inconvenienced them (a two minute phone call really messes up their day, you know). This I just cannot figure out. I don't know what else to say. JUST BE NICE. Refer to point number one and your problem will be fixed and everyone can be happier. 

6. Do not reserve your kindness for certain people. 

Have you ever known someone that is nice to their mom but treats a fast food worker like the scum of the earth? Or maybe you have seen the opposite: someone that will be polite on the phone but talks to their dad like he is the least intelligent person they know. Yeah. I have seen this a lot and in both directions in all different circumstances. 

Why do we find it okay to live double standards? I have seen this a lot in families. They are generally nice people but they feel they have the right to be unkind. 

"We're family and I'm just trying to help..." 

...or they assume that because they are family they can say whatever they like because "oh, they'll forgive me. We're family. That's how it works!" 

Please refer to point number one. Family members have feelings and these may be some of the longest lasting and important relationships we have to maintain. If we are not willing to take the time to think about what we want to say and be kind then how can we expect to be close to them and invite a loving and accepting relationship? 

Kindness is universal. If you feel that you deserve kindness, then please understand that the people around you also deserve it.

7. Do not act like you are entitled to certain privileges and exceptions to rules.

This one gets my blood boiling. A month ago an employee at the university walked into the office with a citation and asked where he could leave it. He had parked incorrectly on campus and the clerk told him this. The man then said, "I was at a very important meeting with the president of the university. I'm sure this is invalid. Tell whoever is in charge of dismissing this to call me." And he left. 

For me, I don't really care who you are or how important your meeting was. Rules are rules and if you feel entitled to special privileges (when you know darn well you do not have them) then this happens. You treat people (that could help you) as less important than you. You are implying that because YOU are important it is okay that the rules were broken. But if someone of lesser importance breaks the rules, you know there would be no special treatment. 

Don't feel entitled. Don't feel like you are better than other people. 

I hope you enjoyed this. If not... sorry. 

To My Dad

I have a wonderful dad. He is so cool that I wanted everyone to know how great he is so that they can think about how cool their dads are too. This is my fun idea to let my dad know that I love him because I think he has plenty of mugs and he definitely doesn't want a tie. So here you go, daddy! 

10 REASONS THAT MY DAD IS AWESOME 

One. 



Because he is the one driving this car. Is there really anything else I need to add here? 

Two. 

When I was younger we would make half a loaf of bread into peanut butter toast and eat it all. To this day I can't eat peanut butter toast without thinking about my dad and how I am ever thankful to him for sharing this delicacy with me. 

Three. 

My dad is the most generous person I know. While I was spending a year and a half in France as a missionary, he would send me packages full of my favorite American things (like peanut butter and Orange Crush) even despite financial difficulties. These packages were so special to me and made me feel ridiculously loved though I was far from home.

Four. 

Golfing champion. I think his clothes say it all here.



Five. 

Even when I am a junior in high school, he still insists that I sit on his shoulders so I can see the cars over the fence. If this isn't real love, I don't know what is.



Six. 

My dad and I haven't always seen eye to eye. We have said a lot of things that didn't go over well... but I think we taught each other about forgiveness and what happens when you love someone -- you forgive and you move on and try to make new memories. Being family doesn't entitle you to a relationship with someone, genuine love and concern earns you that trust and respect. I'm really grateful that we have been able to "figure stuff out" and have a super great relationship even from across the country. 

Seven. 



I love this picture of my dad because it proves to me something I have known my whole life. My dad has ALWAYS been proud of me and what I have done with my life even if I feel like I don't deserve it. He sports this t-shirt like a true BYU dad even though he has never set foot on campus (not yet anyway!) and I think that's really rad. 

Eight. 

I think the most important lessons I learned from my dad are one, to be considerate of others and two, to not judge them. This is never something he sat me down and told me, but something I have observed. My dad has always been mindful of the little things like cleaning up after yourself if you spill on the counter or changing the toilet paper roll (you know, basic stuff) but this branches off into the fact that we can't judge people for being human. 

I'm not perfect at this (and I'm not saying my dad is either) but he has shown me in the way he talks about people, even people I know he really dislikes, that he does not hate them for what they do or say -- but that they are that way and sometimes there isn't much we can do about it and talking badly about them won't make it any better. I think this is the quality I admire the most about my dad and the one that I am trying to emulate all the time. 

Nine. 

My dad is living proof that having really hard times all the time doesn't mean you have to be a bad person. Sometimes I am still heartbroken at some of the things my dad has experienced but still he is one of the best people I know. So often I meet people that are unkind to others or incredibly negative because of their trials, but it doesn't have to be that way and if you disagree I'll let you chat with my dad a minute so he can prove you wrong :) 

Ten. 

The best part about doing this is that my dad is really humble so... he won't believe anything I say and will maybe deny it to anyone who mentions it so just take my word -- IT'S ALL TRUE. Even if he doesn't think so. 


Thanks, dad, for being the greatest! 

Your Choice

One of my absolute favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon says this: 

"Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves..." 

I think this is a really interesting idea. It is telling us to be happy because we are FREE to choose and act for ourselves. That doesn't mean that other people won't make choices for us if we neglect to, but the point is we CAN. If we want. 

Here is another of my favorite quotes: 

"There are two ways of evolving: deliberately and accidentally. You can either decide who you want to become and deliberately work toward that end, or you can just go with the flow and become whatever life makes of you. In that event, you will become whatever the fickle circumstances and forces of life and society will make of you; whatever is currently considered to be popular or in; whatever is easiest. But, whatever you become accidentally it will not be nearly the full measure of our potential. You will become just someone, somewhere in the middle." 

That is from the fourth missionary. It's good. 

Oh, and just to make my point even more...

I think you are starting to get the idea of where I'm going here...

I can't claim that I am the most confident person ever. I don't like the way I look most of the time and sometimes I don't think I have the best abilities to stand up next to a lot of really accomplished people. 

This semester, in my first "intro to psychology major" class they told us to get a research assistant position as soon as possible. So. I went at it and within the week I found a position. 

The important part of that is... I almost didn't e-mail them to ask for a position because I figured they had way more qualified people that had asked. 

But now I have spent a whole semester learning about family therapy and how to work on articles in order to do meta-analysis. I also am sticking with this position for spring and was offered another paid research assistant position in the program that I am interested in for graduate school. 

What if I hadn't even bothered because I assumed I wasn't going to get it anyway? 

Second example. 

I had been searching for a new job the entire semester because I had been in food service too long and needed something new. ALL SEMESTER I sent in applications to almost everywhere and was rejected by all of them. For about a month I didn't even bother anymore because clearly I didn't have good enough skills. I accepted my fate as a cafeteria worker. 

... until I got over it and kept applying and landed an awesome job in the police office. 

I honestly thought I had NO chance to get that job because it paid pretty high and was a really good deal. I knew a lot of people would be applying and I was probably nothing compared to them. I considered not applying. But I did. And I got it. 

I have been really blessed this semester and although I am taking this from a religious standpoint (mostly because this is a principle I studied and loved on my mission), it applies to everyone. 

Basically my standpoint from the mission, jobs, school, EVERYTHING is: you miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take. 

I hear a lot of people say things like, "It's okay, I'm just a (insert their position that they use to think lowly of themselves)." I'm just a cafeteria worker (guilty). I'm just a sophomore. I'm just in my third transfer. 

Sorry to be blunt but..

WHO CARES? 

Realize I apply these principles and things to myself. 

I'm totally guilty of feeling sorry for myself when I feel like I can't stand shoulder to shoulder with those who are doing really cool things with their lives. 

It doesn't matter what your job is, or what you study, or what position you are in for school. You have the ability right now to start caring about what happens to you and start making deliberate choices to get somewhere and do awesome things. 

Who cares if you fail? Failing isn't falling down, it's staying down. 

Lose the excuses. Limited resources can't stop you from taking the opportunity to learn something new or have a new experience. I would say that 90% of the awesome opportunities I have found this semester have been from someone I know giving me a heads up or just completely random chance. 

It doesn't matter what's going on, just do something. 

CHOOSE to go do something cool with your time. Visit a museum or do some service. 

CHOOSE to love people instead of judge them. 

CHOOSE to not be a victim of your circumstances. 

CHOOSE to be happy (hard, but worth it). 

DO NOT CHOOSE to believe that this can't possibly apply to you. 

Is the point of your life just to sit around and wait for it to be over? 

No. 

So don't do that. 

Another quote that particularly affected me this week (and inspired this post) is this: 

“Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to used during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course? Each of us has such a bank, it's name is time. Every morning, it credits you 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off at a lost, whatever of this you failed to invest to a good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and health. The clock is running. Make the most of today.”

I realized that I waste a lot of my precious time assuming that there is someone better qualified for every job, for every position and for every cool thing I could do. 

SOAPBOX. 

Take a chance on something and forget who you think you are. You ARE smart enough, you ARE awesome enough, you ARE qualified enough. 

You are the one that holds yourself back. Literally, it is you that has chained yourself down and that is just really weird and lame. As soon as you say something is impossible... you are right. 

Don't do that to yourself. 

Watch this and be inspired. 

Remember... it's all up to you! 

Don't be like Kenneth. 

Do this instead. 

RM

Once I served a mission and then came home, the phrase, "When I was on my mission..." made a lot more sense to me.

I didn't grow up in the LDS world. I'm not innately familiar with the culture of members but I think five years is enough time (especially being at BYU) to recognize that there is a large group of people that literally HATE this phrase with every fiber of their being. I never thought much about that.

Why do they dislike this so much? Is it because people talked too much about their mission? Is it the way they talked about their mission? Do they just hate missions for some reason? If I think back to pre-mission life I feel that if I was ever irritated by someone it was because they literally started every story with those exact words. The thought ugh, talk about something else for a change might have popped into my mind...

After coming home and being back at BYU (now absolutely full of returned missionaries) I realized that I felt I hadn't heard that phrase recently. Did people STOP using it? Statistically that couldn't have been true... if there were more returned missionaries shouldn't that basically be the only thing I heard nowadays? I decided to pay special attention that week...

I found that this phrase is NOT dead. It is very much alive.

WHAT? Why wasn't I noticing as much? Am I just less observant now? No.

I thought about it... and I came to the conclusion: I don't notice as much because I GET it now! I understand why these people talk so much about their missions and why that's cool and why it's okay that they do.

WHEN I WAS ON MY MISSION, I learned more about the Gospel than I ever had. In a very real way I started to understand the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and see why they were important for me personally... which in turn made me understand why I was a missionary and WHY I choose daily to follow the Savior (and also chose to invite others, daily, to follow the Savior :).

WHEN I WAS ON MY MISSION, I learned how to really feel the Spirit. Before I was a missionary I think I never really felt a true and evident and obvious prompting. Once in Toulouse I was on the metro and this guy standing a few inches from me was staring at my tag. I asked if he believed in Jesus Christ and he said yes, it was important for his family. We hit our stop and he got off and so did we. I didn't think much of the exchange (metro contacting is like that sometimes) and as we were walking my companion was talking with someone else. I saw this man up ahead of us. I can't really describe the feeling I had... it was almost like panic. I felt so strongly I needed to go after him but I denied it (I am foolish, I know) but the feeling came again and even stronger... "GO!" so I basically ran to him and was like PLEASE do you want to learn more about Jesus Christ and how that is going to help your family? He smiled and said yes, he had been looking for something exactly like that. He didn't actually live in our area so some other sisters were teaching him... they taught him a lot. He is a beautiful man. I don't know what happened to him, but that experience taught me a lesson about "receiving promptings and following them courageously (see PMG)."

WHEN I WAS ON MY MISSION, I learned about myself in a very... personal way. That sounds weird, but you have to understand that a mission highlights all of your faults and weaknesses. All of them. Consider Ether 12:27,  basically "... if men come unto me I will show unto them their weaknesses." That is a promise and it is a true promise. As you spend all your time with one person and trying to help others you start to realize that you are prideful (almost everyone is at least a tiny bit prideful), or maybe impatient, or maybe not very nice all the time, or ... the list goes on. Usually it is not a short list. This was not an easy realization for me. I was sure down in the dumps for a while and thoughts like, "I am the worst person" were on my mind all the time. Then I realized that Heavenly Father certainly wouldn't want me to feel that way... and also I realized that it had to be positive knowing about all my weaknesses because knowing them gives me the opportunity to change and improve and be nicer, more patient, less prideful, etc. Long story short, you realize that you need lots of humility in order to be a happy missionary and live a successful life as a companion, friend, child, parent, spouse, etc.

WHEN I WAS ON MY MISSION, I discovered the scriptures in a way that completely changed my view on everything I ever knew about the Gospel. Sure, I had "read" the Book of Mormon and other scriptures before my mission... but when I got into the MTC I had a moment where I realized, I have to go to France and tell people I know this book is true... I need to know if it's true. So I sat down and read and read and read every single day and finished the Book of Mormon. People say this a lot but I was almost convinced that it wasn't the same book I had read the first time. I found insights into doctrines I had never noticed, I received answers to questions I had, and I found out how much the Book of Mormon testifies of the Savior. This pattern continued throughout my mission and each time I found specific answers to my questions and even for my investigators.

WHEN I WAS ON MY MISSION, I learned that miracles are real. THEY ARE REAL. They are not just stories in the Bible that we talk about it but they are real and they are happening today and to every person. In Limoges, me and my companion felt we were kind of in a drought... until we received a phone call out of nowhere from a woman that had been searching for the Church her entire life and had lost contact several times since she had been moving around and somehow... miraculously... found an old number for our chapel and somehow got ahold of a member that happened to be there... okay. You get it. There is absolutely nothing we could have done as missionaries to make that miracle happen other than be worthy and prepared to receive it. God loves us. HE LOVES US. He will bless us and guide us and for her it was a miracle to find us and for us... it was a miracle to find her. Each day is full of little miracles and blessings and I never saw them until I opened my eyes.

WHEN I WAS ON MY MISSION, I found a relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior that I never had before. I believed they were there and listening but I never felt deep down and in a very real way... that they lived and loved me. It was through the highs (the times when you can't stop crying because you feel so much joy) and the lows (the kinds where you feel like your heart is being ripped out) that you start to feel their presence. They are joyful when you are and they weep when you weep. It was through prayer (sharing my day, expressing gratitude, asking questions) that I started to understand how real they are and how present they are in my life... every day, every minute.

I could keep going, but I won't.

My point is... all the good things about who I am and the things are do are because of my mission. At least 95% (just to be safe). I learned how to live the Gospel! ... and I hope everything I do is in line with living the Gospel. Of course I am going to talk about my mission and share those experiences because they define me and everything I know about the Savior and his teachings.

Now here is the very important and CRUCIAL part to what I am saying... this does not last forever. Yes, everyone will talk about cool stories from their mission. That will probably never go away (and it shouldn't, these experiences can be beneficial to everyone -- I'm thinking our posterity, to be specific). However, HOWEVER... these cannot be the experiences we base our testimony on forever.

For me, the things I learned and saw as a missionary are the solid foundation of my testimony and how I want to live my life... but if these are the only experiences I have for several years then I would see that my current life is lacking spiritual experiences to keep my testimony where it should be: renewed and replenished every day. As a returned missionary I should be feeling the Spirit during scripture study and talking with my Heavenly Father on a regular basis. I should be seeing miracles everywhere and still trying to change and be a better person. In 20 years from now I hope I can pull from recent experiences to teach someone about a point of doctrine.

I'm sure I will still talk about my mission 20 years from now. I hope I do. But... I hope that when I am racking my brain for a miracle story to tell, I don't have to go all the way back to my fifth transfer to testify that I know miracles are real. Was that transfer the basis of my testimony of the reality of miracles? Yes. I just need to start there and then keep moving forward. NOW I know miracles are real. NOW I know the Book of Mormon is true. NOW I know that Heavenly Father answers prayers. Now the question is, what am I going to do with it? 

We can work with that :) Try and understand your RM friends. Their missions changed them and they are going to want to share part of that understanding with you. It's natural. I know it's natural because I am in their shoes.

I loved my mission with all my heart and I find often (I'm sure most returned missionaries do) that it is hard for me to express my feelings toward the things I saw and learned. These experiences touched me deeply. My religion professor shared something with us last week that really rang true for me. He asked us to think back to a really spiritual experience that we have had... and then asked us if we had ever tried to share that experience. He said, "You probably walked away feeling a little... hollow... right?" That's because your experience may have touched them but there is no way they can really know what it was like to live in that moment that touched you so much. And that's okay. It's these types of things that solidify the foundation of our testimony so we can keep building it up.

Just think about this, when is the last time you really felt you received an answer from Heavenly Father? Did you recognize it? Did you act on it? Do you feel like this happens often?